Journey into the Parampara

Contributed by Dharmavrat

“Faith is not just religious belief, it is an inner conviction which comes after the total surrender of ego. When you surrender your ego in totality then faith unfolds by itself.” The Guru-Disciple Relationship

While other members of the kula prepared to receive Dharminidhi’s arrival in the United States this past March, I wandered through many disorganized and surprising emotions. Surprising, because I had actually believed I was beyond them.

There was excitement, a pulsating joy that energized me throughout the day. There was the hunger to learn more, wonder and awe at the grace of the teachings. There was this immense gratitude that, finally after ten years, I had finally found what I had been looking for. There was also fear. What had I gotten myself into? I was leaving a secure, well-paying job to be in Thailand in the summer and to follow my heart. There would be no job or place to live when I returned. How did I know this would not be the same as my other failed ventures? I was too old to be taking such a risk, too new to understand all the implications, blah, blah, blah. Then there was the doubt. Why had I asked this man to be my teacher after all the false ones I had followed in my life? The tendrils of thoughts and waves of emotion and confusion passed through me, and then came the usual wave of disappointment in myself. Where did the clarity of my initiation go? Or even of a month ago?

I threw myself in the car to go to a welcoming party for Guruji, shaking in my trepidation and reluctant to acknowledge the depth of my confusion and fear. When I came home that night I was tired of being battered by my thoughts. I sat down to practice. My thoughts kept battering me so I decided to clean my room. As I poked at my bookcase an old journal came loose. I grumbled and groaned and sat down to take a break by leafing through its pages. Here was the response to all my grumbling; a record of my internal journey for the past 20 years. Below are some of the entries.

At age 35

“I examine myself and realize how much I hold in. How I don’t acknowledge the pain I feel; whatever its source or nature, how I manage to march forward risking everything, leaving myself open to a high degree of suffering.”

“I can feel I am aware and awake and so it is important for me to have something which intimidates me and challenges me.”

“Too many wars. Too much biting your teeth for too long, teeth, lips, tongue. It’s almost as though I thrived on it. As though I were addicted to the adrenaline.”

“Within me, I still feel the rage hard and intense.”

“I’m barely beginning to understand what the role of a family is and how children need to feel connected and backed up. What a numbnut.”

“I’ve functioned by drinking a lot, lying in bed, playing video games, reading detective stories and generally refusing to be with anyone. I have lost my mind.”

At age 45

“I have lived life so hard, and only because I took the time to record it do I know just how hard it was.”

“Today I was filled with fears about the future, about the lack of a personal life, security, money, loneliness. I felt the panic rising and actually pulled out the tranquilizer they prescribed for me. I didn’t take it. Somehow I managed to muddle through.”

At age 48

“My body is changing and with it my spirit.”

“It worries me that my enthusiasm and my emotions cloud my judgment sometimes and I make decisions which are impulsive and wild.”

“I think a lot about menopause, about the end of my life. I never took care of myself, never thought about it much.”

“In the midst of my sobbing was the question ‘What is this for, what is it all for?’ There was only deep, black pain and the trees standing silent witness.”

At age 53

“I am surrounded by a pile of clothes and when I work to organize it, it only becomes a smaller pile and it stays until it grows again. It is as though that little pile holds the space for my chaos. That which I choose.”

“I can’t believe I did all that I did and internally I was such an enormous mess. Someday my children will read this and see all my vulnerability and the way I struggled with my life – doubting, judging, hating, isolating, primping myself. AAAAAGH!! Such a royal waste of time.”

At age 56

“This morning I asked Dharminidhi if he would be my teacher. I told him I wanted to have a good death and be a good Grandma. He said yes. I smiled a big old smile and he smiled back.

It was a decision that came from my dreams, my gut, my experience. I have told no one yet but I am very excited. Now there will be one old person mixed in with all those twenty-thirty something people in the kula.”

When I finallly put the journal down, I was stunned and humbled. In another wave of emotion, I finished cleaning up and went to bed. As the teachings with Guruji progressed I grew calmer. I don’t remember when I actually decided I wanted to take Visesasamaya Diksha, but once I came to that decision, the waves of fear began to flow again. The further I went, the more I would have to reveal, the more I would reveal, the more vulnerable I would be. And who would I be then?

The night before my initiation I prepared my clothing with my heart pounding in my chest. Now instead of thoughts swarming like bees, there was a heaviness, a burning sensation, like thick tar clogging every part of my body. My head ached, my limbs were shaking. At times I would cry, at others pace. There were no thoughts this time, just dark, overwhelming shame and fear. I got into bed and began to toss and turn. At 3:30 a.m. I had had enough. I got up and began to do prostrations in the dark, praying feverishly that the sensations would stop. When I was finished with the last one, I sat on the floor for awhile, looking at my hands and my legs. I got up, dressed, and left the house. The darkness of the night seemed like a distant memory now.

The most difficult parts of my life were already over. I would not go back. Whatever it was that I would see in the mirror of my Guru, would probably never be as bad as what I chose to see in myself. All I had to do was love and respect and trust myself. And I had to let go.

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Gratitude at a Crossroad

Contributed by Uma (Amy) Khan

It’s March, 2010, as I write this – the middle of the sixth year of our official “seven year program” with Dharmanidhi Sarasvati (Guruji). By the end of 2010, the group that has come to be known as TYSG – Tantric Yoga Study Group – will disband in its current loose form, and what will replace it, if anything, remains to be seen. These six years have been life-changing in ways that I can barely know, let alone describe. I remember Guruji saying on more than one occasion during that first year that, after a while, there’s no turning back. We either go forward, or we go crazy. And we started a little bit crazy, didn’t we all? Now here we are. Some still in the program; some long gone; some newcomers filling in the empty seats. Some of us more crazy now than before.

If the Kashmir Shaivite path is in its simplest form about building basic sanity, then some of Guruji’s legacies can be found in the lives of a whole lot of slightly less-than-the-average people. In its richest form (which I cannot profess to know), Guruji’s legacy will be an integration of the knowledge, energy and sweetness of the path into the lives of hopefully more than a few.

Save for a miracle that I can’t picture and rarely even pray for, I won’t be one of those who “light body” out of this lifetime. I feel interested, however, in continuing to expand the boundaries of my openness. I don’t yearn to leave my crazy life entirely behind, but I do regularly yearn to slow way down. Sitting in front of my altar, improperly placed at the foot of my bedroom for lack of space, brings me deep peace. Integrating that peace into my daily interactions with others deepens my gratitude for Guruji, for Siva and for everything in between.

My astrology Bette Timm once looked out the window of her Sonoma home at my car in her driveway after a Jyotish (Indian Astrology) reading she did for me, and smiled as she said, “Huh, a Saturn, of course!” Saturn is Siva’s planet. I rebutted, “well…I didn’t buy that, my mom gave it to me before she died.” To which Bette coyly replied, “he’ll find his way to you however he needs to!”  It was a cool thought, something I haven’t forgotten. I drive a Saturn. Is this integration? Does it drive me? Probably.

Bridging the worlds of Tantra and modern living is, practically speaking, both improbable and deeply important. My practice has morphed and changed over these years, circling back upon itself. Sometimes, my diligence surprises even me. Other times, lethargy and resistance render me barely connected to the daily practice, though never fully removed from the teachings. The most satisfying experiences connect to remembering, which feels synonymous with integrating. The cultivation of the “head-heart-highway” (a Kriya meditation practice) has been Tantra’s greatest challenge and gift to me. Devotion, so long elusive to me, seeps slowly into my experience. Gratitude has been a building block out of which I am forging a new home. I have loosened my grip on needing the pieces to fit neatly together. I continue to practice being with the unknown – needing less to ask the questions that once burned my lips and fried my brain. My excess of fiery energy and lifestyle of thirty plus years has softened (along with my body), and my heart is growing bigger.

I feel as though I’ll be at a some kind of crossroads with the Kula, and with Guruji when November comes and goes (Becoming The Mind of Siva Retreat). I find myself excited for the opening that the completion of the seven-year-program may offer. Will I go deeper when unbound to a commitment? Will I go away? (Will I go crazy?) Will things remain remarkably the same? These questions stoke my excitement, curiosity and diligence, as the year and the program come towards its close. I am grateful to each and every teacher and practitioner on this windy path to freedom.

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Fine Art Auction “Revue”

Contributed by Siddhartha Shaw

On March 21, 2010, Yoga Mandala collaborated with Siddhartha V. Shah, Sacred Art & Sacred Space, to present a fine art auction benefitting Trika Institute. The event featured over 50 works of contemporary art from India and Nepal and took place in Charlie Hallowell’s popular Oakland restaurant, Pizzaiolo. For months I had worked closely with Guruprem Ko Hobi in envisioning the ideal evening and I believe that we were able to execute it exactly as we had hoped.

This event marked the introduction of modern Indian art into the larger body of work represented by Sacred Art & Sacred Space. Among the Indian artists in the auction are contemporary masters, Thota Vaikuntam, K. Laxma Goud and “India’s Picasso”, M.F. Husain, whose signed lithograph of Draupadi from the famed Mahabharata Series (1983) sold to a bidder. The auction presented, alongside these established painters, the new vanguard of modern Indian art featuring several emerging artists of Baroda, India. Anand Gadapa, Nirmala Biluka, Kishan Duriseti, and Suneel Menon all sold work at the event and this will certainly encourage the artists to continue developing and sharing their works with us in the United States.

A Little History

For the past five years, my emphasis has been on contemporary Hindu and Buddhist art of the Newars and this event allowed me to present what is perhaps the finest collection of paintings I have been able to procure in my career. In January, I visited Nepal with the intention of finding work specifically for this fundraiser. While it made sense to look for lesser quality, less expensive work featuring popular deities, what I found instead were sumptuous masterpieces that showed lesser-known gods and goddesses in their most glorious splendor: The Goddess Ganga floating in her river kingdom rendered in fine lines and muted colors that evoke the feeling of being underwater. Kamakhya, the goddess who embodies the power of the Sakti Peeth where Goddess Sati’s yoni fell to the earth as Siva carried her corpse across the earth, depicted with perfect iconography seated on a lotus emerging out of Siva’s navel. I found a most interesting painting of Vana Kali, Kali of the Forest, that depicts the deity found within a small ancient shrine tucked away in a forest behind Pasupati Temple in Kathmandu. These works were amazing to behold, and they needed to be brought back to the US.

The Celebration

The paintings looked amazing in the space and filled Pizzaiolo with a kind of electricity that seemed to light up everyone there! I remember seeing so clearly how beautiful each and every person there looked. There was a tangible energy of excitement and celebration in the air. As guests enjoyed the food and wine served up by Charlie Hallowell and the staff at Pizzaiolo, they also prepared themselves for the bidding process. The silent auction featured over 30 items ranging from a one week stay in Mexico to fine jewelry and wellness services donated by friends and members of this community. 100% of the funds raised in the silent auction will be donated to Trika Institute. The opening piece in the live auction, a remarkable Classical style painting of Ganesha, started the first bidding war of the evening, where the estimate for the work was $800-$1000 and it sold for $1300. About half of the works of art brought up to the auction block sold which certainly makes it a successful art auction during a time when most art market analysts have little hope for anything.

The Art

What distinguishes this body of work from what appears in other auctions, though, is that this work is acquired with the understanding that a transformative relationship is possible. I believe that even when a negative outlook prevails as it does now around the economy, That which is Sacred will continue to flourish and shine. Those who acquired work that night were able to bring beauty that is profound and true into their lives while also benefitting the work of Trika Institute. I know that this art–the Newar paintings AND the modern art–will continue to work on those who live with it, and this relationship that is possible with art is something essential for many…and even addictive as it is with me. As one client who attended the auction wrote me later, “I stretched myself beyond my limits once again but what I have is beauty in my life, and for this I am forever grateful”. With that said, I know that I am enthusiastic about another collaborative event with Yoga Mandala and Trika Institute, and I hope we can make our next effort even more successful and magical that this first one!

I offer my sincere thanks to all of the volunteers who helped put this event together. May we all continue to bring Beauty into the lives of everyone around us.

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Ask the Ayurved

Contributed by Hrimati Fauman

What is the role of exercise from an Ayurvedic perspective?

In the classic texts of Ayurveda, many benefits are attributed to exercise. Some of these benefits are lightness of the body, increased capacity to work, reduction of body fat and firming of the body parts. However, the most important benefit is probably the stimulation of the digestive fire. When the digestive fire is healthy, our mind is clearer and we are better able to digest our emotional experiences. In this way, proper amounts of exercise supports the health of all aspects of our life.

How much exercise is enough? How much is too much?

Ayurveda divides the year into two parts: cold seasons and warm or hot seasons. During the coldest months it is suggested that strong people who are accustomed to eating heavy foods should exercise to half of their capacity. This is determined by the appearance of sweat on the forehead, upper lip, armpits, inner elbows and backs of the knees and dryness of the mouth. For those who are not strong or accustomed to eating heavy foods, the amount of exercise should be less than this even during the coldest months. During the warm months exercise should be less than this for everyone. In the Northern Hemisphere, the cold part of the year is approximately from mid-November through April. In the Southern Hemisphere, the cold part of the year is approximately from mid-June through October.

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Births

KundaliMa Whitelaw and Keven Edney are proud to announce the birth of Amelia Rose Whitelaw Edney (Mia) born May 14 2010 in Vancouver BC, Canada.

Anandasagara Emily Reese and Joseph Anthony Davis are proud to announce the birth of Samuel Edward Reese-Davis born May 27 2010 in Oakland, California.

Congratulations to the new parents!

Would you like a marriage, birth, or death announcement posted on Vac?  Email our editor at vaceditor@jnanagnikula.org!

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