Below the thinking mind, below emotions and concepts exists your essential nature. Beyond form and formless, ever-present yet ungraspable, your essential nature is uncreated and unknowable to the ordinary mind. To become your essential nature is to become the Mind of Siva.

This 4-week intensive in Tantrik Meditation will focus on the method of “nirapeksa dhyanam” or formless meditation, the supporting practices and teachings, and study of sacred written texts, to transmit the experience of our essential nature.

Multiple sessions of meditation each day will allow you to immerse yourself in the experience of your True Nature. First we must discover our essential nature and then we must stabilize that realization with ever-deepening mediation practice.

Dharmanidhi Sarasvati Acharya will be leading this retreat. He has studied with true adepts of non-conceptual meditation from Hindu Tantrik Yoga, Yungdrung Bon (pre-Buddhist religion of central Asia), Daoism, Tibetan Buddhism, Chan and Zen. Dharmanidhi will give the crucial “pointing out” instructions, which are at the heart of these traditions. These instructions are greatly valued for their ability to instantly open the mind of Essence-Nature.

Kailash Akhara retreat center is located in Northeastern Thailand, nestled in the rolling hills near the Laos boarder. The center is situated on 40 acres of natural beauty full of fruit trees, ponds, a permaculture garden and Asia’s largest Yoga training hall and temple – The Mahasiddha Mahabodhi temple (Great Awakening Temple of the Yoga Adepts). The temple has a teak practice floor surrounded by a foot walking meditation deck, 30-foot ceilings and is open on three sides giving spectacular mountain and forest views.

Fees:

Fees include Housing (shared dormitory, shared bamboo hut or tent), All Meals, All Handouts, and Teaching Fee. 20% non-refundable deposit required at time of registration. Full refund (less 20% deposit) available until September 13. 2010. After September 14, 2010, no refund is available.

Housing is by request on a first come-first serve basis. Please register early, dorm rooms and huts are limited.

Dormitory or Hut: $1925
Tent: $1275

Wire Transfer and Cash in US$ only. Deposit required to register. Registration is complete upon our receipt of official copy of confirmation of wire transfer via email to info@kailashakhara.com.

Registration:

Register Online

Any questions may be sent to info@kailashakhara.com. Detailed information regarding what to bring, weather, arrival information etc. will be sent to you once your registration is complete.

Original Posting: February 2010

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If you are interested in participating in the next Acarya Training Program and would like to begin to self-study in the Acarya Training curriculum, please email Kiranamayi at kiranamayi@gmail.com for further information.

The Acarya Training Program

The longevity and preservation of any spiritual lineage is dependent largely upon teachers being developed within the system to preserve and pass on to future generations the instruction and the transmission of the teachings. Traditionally this role has been performed by the Acaryas.

The word Acarya, often translated as teacher or spiritual teacher, also means routine and conduct, as in Rtucarya (seasonal routine/ conduct) and Dinacarya (daily routine/ conduct). Thus an Acarya is one who having established the routine of sadhana and practice in their own life and having applied the teachings to them selves, expresses the teachings and fruits of the practice through their conduct.

Jñanagnikula is stratified into different levels of participation and spiritual authority. Below you’ll find an outline of the school’s structure and the hierarchy of spiritual authority as well as a description of the Acarya Training Program followed by instructions on how to apply.

Tier 1

Parishioner:

• Parishioners are anyone who attends teachings, rituals, calendrical events, kula social events, yoga classes, etc. (Any Jñanagni Kula event.)
• Parishioners have no formal commitment through initiation to the school and are free to attend classes, courses or events as they please.

Instructor:

• Instructors are authorized to give general teachings.
• They have passed an exam qualifying them to teach.
• Instructors are not authorized to speak on behalf of the lineage, give initiations or transmission.

Pujari:

• Pujaris serve the parishioners and the Dharma by performing the rituals of the tradition. They perform daily and calendrical rituals for the community.
• Pujaris will have completed the requisite training in ritual practice with Swami Ramanuja and/or qualified Pujacaryas.

Pandita:

• This group will undergo a rigorous 7-year training program focused on View teachings from an academic standpoint.
• These trainings will take place at Kailash Akhara in Thailand or at other Jñanagni Kula centers of study.
• Roughly 70% of the training will involve a general curriculum while 30% will focus on a specialty subject decided upon according to each student’s individual interests.
• On completion of the Pandita program there is no obligation to serve and/or teach within the school, however it is encouraged.
• It is an academic Tantrik training program and can be taken purely for the fulfillment of the individual’s own interests.
• Once authorized they may speak on lineage knowledge but may not speak on behalf of the lineage. In other words, a Pandita graduate does not have spiritual authority.
• They cannot give transmission of practices nor initiate students.

Tier 2

Hermit:

• The Hermit will live in the Hermitage in Thailand or any other Jñanagni Kula hermitage.
• In certain circumstances Hermits may be allowed to live outside of the Jñanagni Kula Hermitages, but the lineage head must approve the circumstances beforehand.
• Both situations require the student to abstain from contact with the outside world.
• A student may choose to take a retreat and live as a hermit for a designated period of time, which will be agreed upon by the lineage head.
• There will be a trial period for everyone wishing to become a hermit before full hermit vows are taken to make sure that the applicant is suitable to hermit life.
• Students must be over the age of 35 to be accepted for full hermit diksa.

Acarya:

• An Acarya holds a select body of the essential teachings of the lineage AND is obligated to transmit them.
• The training period will be a minimum of 7 years and graduation depends on the following three things:

1. Attainment of the knowledge.
2. Realization of one’s essential nature.
3. Ability to transmit the knowledge academically and experientially.

• The training will occur at Kailash Akhara following the framework listed below.
• The student who has completed their training and who has recognition of their Essence Nature (confirmed by the lineage head) will then receive diksa to confirm them as a lineage representative.
• The Acarya has an obligation to the school to serve wherever, whenever and however needed.
• Acarya is of two types:

1. Junior Acarya- able to speak authoritatively on lineage matters and teachings.
2. Senior Acarya- able to speak authoritatively on lineage matters and teachings, as well as give transmission and initiation. Senior Acaryas form the pool of candidates from which the new lineage head is elected after the previous one retires or takes Mahasamadhi.

Tier 3

Mandaladhyaksha Mukhyacarya:

• This is the head Acarya, the Vidyadhara of Jñanagni Kula, as well as any sister school(s) that may form in the future.
• This is an office, the title of which is MANDALA DHYAKSHA _________ MUKHYACARYA.
• The Mandala Dhyaksa Mukhyacarya has the responsibility to hold ALL the knowledge and lineage teachings and transmission.
• The present Mandaladhyaksha Mukhyacarya is Dharmanidhi Sarasvati.

Acarya Training

The Mukhyacarya Dharmanidhi Sarasvati has said:

“This is not a training program for personal enjoyment, though it will be very satisfying for the person whose fate it is to be an Acarya. Nor is it merely for higher education. You are training for a lifetime of service. You will be responsible for the knowledge and experience of this sacred lineage being preserved for future generations. During the years of study and thereafter you will be immersed in working for The Dharma itself.”

There are 4 tracks of study in the Acarya training:

1. HATHA YOGA ACARYA: This person is responsible for mastering and transmitting the Hatha Yoga Tradition of Adi-Yoga in its entirety. This includes the intellectual and experiential knowledge of texts and the internal and external practices of the tradition.
2. DARSHANA ACARYA: This person is responsible for maintaining the purity, clarity, and strength of the non-dual Tantrik view teachings of Jñanagni Kula.
3. UPAYA ACARYA: This person is responsible for maintaining the knowledge and fruit of the Tantrik yoga practices of Jñanagni Kula.
4. DARSHANA/UPAYA ACARYA: This person is responsible for the knowledge and transmission of both the View and the Methods of Practice of Jñanagni Kula.

• There is no standard pre-requisite for the training. However, a student wishing to apply would need to have been immersed in the school and teachings for some time, (usually around a minimum of two years).
• It is highly recommended that all applicants have completed courses such as Gateway to Freedom and The 12 Stage View and/or have been practicing for enough years to have a solid understanding of the tradition and lifestyle of a Tantrika.
• Applicants must be 20 years of age or older. People with families are welcome and encouraged to apply because we are a householder tradition and wish to preserve the lineage as such.

At a certain point in the training each student will choose a specialty area (or areas) that they will go deeper into in order to become the holder of that particular teaching/practice. Dharmanidhi has said, “The Acarya doesn’t know everything. You go through the program and you find your specialty area. This way the collective body of Acarya’s will function together, each one acting as a different limb contributing to the overall body of knowledge and wisdom of the lineage teachings.”

Acaryas and Acaryas in training wear a blue uniform as a symbolic reminder of Ultimate Essence Nature. Wearing the blue Acarya uniform demonstrates the Acarya’s commitment to serve the school and the Dharma. The blue uniform also gives the Acarya a higher degree of visibility amongst the kula. The traditional colors of white, gold/yellow and red will be used at different stages of training as well.

Upon completion of the training, the Acarya will also wear the lineage tattoos on the front of each shoulder.

Karma yoga (work/service) is an integral part of Acarya training. All Acaryas in training will be required to perform duties on the Kailash Akhara property.

APPLICATION

Only serious applications will be considered.

Please send your letter of application to kiranamayi@gmail.com.  Include in your application which path you wish to take (Hatha Yoga, Darsana, Upaya, Darsana/Upaya) and your birth information (date, place, time).

Please print out and send a hard copy of your application with your signature to:

May the light of the Dharma continue to shine and may we forever be that source of wisdom and compassion for all beings.

Jaya Guru Dev!

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Below are two things that Classical Tantra is not:

1. something that can be learned from books or from teachers who themselves never went through full training under a qualified Tantrik guru,…and

2. a group of semi-yogic techniques of breath and mind to increase sexual performance or enhance sexual pleasure…

Now we can proceed with the positive. There are a few defining features of classical Tantra regardless of whether that Tantra is so-called “Hindu”, meaning primarily as practiced in Indian lineages, or Tibetan. Though there are many more, the following 3 features are by far the most salient of classical Tantra.

1. Guru – All authentic Tantra pivots on the guru – there is no Tantra without the guru. Training under a qualified Tantrik guru until they say you are finished is highly unpopular in todays world of rugged individualism and false freedom but is viewed as absolutely essential in the world of authentic Tantra. Tibetan Tantriks have a great saying for this. The teacher asks the student, “Who is the most important and compassionate Buddha (enlightened being) of all time?”. The Lama (Tibetan for guru) then answers that one’s own guru is the most important and compassionate Buddha because that is the Buddha that is right there for you right now, all the others are gone.

The guru is most compassionate and necessary because they give us the vital teachings and transmissions that lead to our enlightenment.

This emphasizes the importance of the 2nd important trait…

2. Transmission and Initiation – In Tantra the experience of enlightenment is passed from generation to generation via something called transmission. In transmission the guru shares with the student the fully awakened state so that the seed of awakening within the student can be fertilized and watered, finally sprouting into full realization or enlightenment.

Tantra teaches that the state of enlightenment, though inherent in all beings, is dormant and needs awakening. The state of our true nature is beyond the reach of our own egoically motivated efforts and beyond the comprehension of our grasping mind, so it must be introduced to us by our compassionate master. Introduction to our enlightened nature is called transmission in Tantra and may take place either formally during ritual or informally, often during a particular moment when it is not expected. In Tantra the term transmission is also used when a particular method or set of teachings is given. Transmission is the Tantrik version of quality control, it ensures that knowledge and spiritual power is not lost from generation to generation.

3. Liberation of Conceptual Energies – In general, Tantra emphasizes the role of energy in the process of enlightenment. Tantra has great respect for the power of our emotional and sexual energies and seeks to show us how to safely release these energies from operating under limitations which cause us so much suffering. Tantra views the Universe and ourselves as a massive energy process, a great celestial procession, of which we are part as beings caught in time and space. Practicing the secret methods of Tantra allows us to be in control of this energetic process. We unwind our own limited energy and merge it with the Universe’s unlimited energy. And since energy is pure consciousness or awareness, we become one with our essential state of conscious energy. That is to say we ride our limited energy into the vastness of unlimited energy of our being. This gives classical Tantra a decidedly “energetic” bias to its teachings and methods, and this explains why the Tantrik masters developed Hatha Yoga as its branch of physical alchemy.

The slick “neo-tantra” promoters have sought to sell their Tantrik sex courses by alluding to their course material as “Tantrik energy work”. But of course, this is nothing more than charlatans making a quick buck. We won’t be seeing any enlightened beings coming from trainings with such selfish motives as greed and lust. And this is nothing new. From its inception Tantra has been dealing with impostures. This is why there is such importance placed on guarding the teachings and methods as well as on direct transmission from the authentic guru.

I hope that this short article helps the reader to begin to understand what is real classical Tantra. I pray that you find that rare diamond – a real guru. Blessings on your journey.

- By Tantracarya Dharmanidhi Sarasvati

Original Posting: April 2009

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At Dharmanidhiji’s request, I would like to share two articles with the Vac readership. Both articles describe new developments in the behavioral sciences–both human and animal. Part of our goal as tantrikas is to align ourselves closely with nature; as such, the behavioral sciences offer us insight into our own actions and tendencies, and by extension sometimes helping us understand natural urges within our cultural context.

What Do Women Want?

Photo credit: Stephen K Willi

At the March 2010 teaching “Overcoming Trauma and Grief” in Berkeley, Dharmanidhiji referred to an article titled ‘What Do Women Want?’ by Daniel Bergner which appeared in the New York Times Magazine in January 2009. This article discusses research on human sexual behavioral and differences between women and men. In the study on which Dharmanidhiji focused our attention, scientists investigated human arousal.

Participants were shown a variety of images and sounds during which they rated their arousal using a keypad. Concurrently, probes monitored their physical reactions, such as blood flow, etc. The findings indicated that women are aroused by a far wider range of stimulii than men, including less traditional imagery. What was also striking was that men’s keypad ratings matched their physical responses much more closely. Women, on the other hand, rated less arousal by keypad than was indicated by data from the probes.

Does this mean that women don’t know what they want, that there is a disconnect between mental and physical arousal? Or, perhaps women are more or less aroused by everything–by life itself? The margin between data from the probes and keypads merely show that women are clear about who they would actually want to share their beds with.

From a tantric perspective, this data points to how sexually rich woman’s day-to-day life can be. The research can be further interpreted to back up the tantric view that women are innately and intimately connected with nature. For practitioners, such rich and full-bodied communion with shakti can be a beautiful vehicle for integration. It backs up the teaching Dharmanidhiji often gives about the role of female practitioners, reminding us that men and women can be of great utility to one another.

The following link contains the complete article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html

Can Animals Be Gay?

The second article Dharmanidhiji asked me to pass along is from the same publication and is titled ‘Can Animals Be Gay?’ by Jon Mooallem from March, 2010. It collates various research challenging the Darwinian thought that all animal behavior and consequent genetic mutations are geared toward advancing and refining reproduction. Or, if not outright challenging it, the research certainly asks us to change our view of what sorts of behaviors and dynamics between members of a group serve to advance a species.

New research on the albatross, a threatened Pacific seabird, debunks the long-held assumption that the bird is monogamous. Moreover, it shows that they are not always coupled with birds of the opposite sex. In fact, a high percentage of the birds–almost a third–partner with same-sex birds, sharing all co-parenting duties from incubating eggs to rearing chicks together.

Though the scientists study animal behavior exclusively and do not purport to draw conclusions about humans from their research, the press has nevertheless swelled to their doorsteps, politicizing their inquiry. The bird species has been championed by humans for decades as one of the few monogamous species, bolstering human monogamy for many. The gay community has been quick to use this research to benefit their cause, and there has been a sharp outcry against the research from anti-gay activists. Overall, the research has raised many questions about taboo human behavior and its cultural implications. The article refers to similar findings in as yet unpublished research across several species, seeming to strengthen the meaning humans glean from the albatross’s story.

Another interesting aspect of this article looks at whether animals may have sex for reasons other than reproduction. Do animals have sex for reasons other than to pass on their genes? Researchers posit that there may be a “gay gene” in humans, which would benefit our species by giving us sort of turbo-charged uncle figure: one who is biologically positioned to assist in extended family care of nieces and nephews. Such a member of society contributes greatly to his species without directly contributing his genes.

All of this research benefits us as practitioners as we review our preconceived notions of family. If we can be so bold as to infer meaning from animal society and use it to review our own, this research explodes the myth of the nuclear, self-contained family. It widens our understanding of the different roles we play for one another and provides insight into why we are taught that kula is indeed a Daytime Star.

Please read the full article at the following link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/magazine/04animals-t.html?pagewanted=1&ref=general&src=me

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My first visit to India… a place that impossibly, seemed even more grand and vast, than the mythic proportions it holds in the mind I share with all those who have found their home in it’s spiritual sciences…

And to travel with my Guru, to bask in the benefit of this privilege and honour for the first time, to attend the final three days of the Pujas for my ParamGuru Swami Satyananda Sarasvati’s Mahasamadhi, to be present and celebrate a Yogi of singular influence on this yogi and countless beings the world(s) over… How auspicious! So lucky that I sent my passport to Bangkok a week earlier to get that Indian Visa…

“You’re late…” I shuddered. “Sorry, Guruji… I got confused about the time…” And away we fly to Kolkata… So named for the Kali Kutir – Kalighat – one of the oldest, if not THE oldest Kali temple in all of India. Our visit to the Mother’s shrine was a blur of scents and colors; wish-fulfilling trees, sacrificial goats – both scared and sanguine, wandering musicians singing her praises, priests – both petty and pious. Saturn horshoes, sugarcane juice, and a special red string bound around my right wrist, reminds me of my prayer to have her keep opening me raw and real, to benefit all…

The next day’s trip to Deoghar was in doubt when we realize our train awaits in the OTHER station, across town… but we make it and a remarkably ordinary train ride with Guruji, Kiranamayi, Mahatama, Sivani and Rohan unfolds, sparkling the facets of precious moments… looking at everyone’s charts and Jyoti-shop talk with the Guru, eating kit-kats and bananas, Mahatma sharing new facts he’s uncovered about waste management… Rohan repeatedly asserting, “It’s dark in here…we need some light!” and proceeding to shine his new 10-rupee toy flashlight in my eyes. Kid’s got the metaphor down and a bright future in the dharma!

We arrive at the town nearest to Swamiji’s Rikhia Peeth – basically, in the middle of nowhere in the poorest state in India, and thus I begin to see everything anew with my own eyes and through Dharmanidhi’s eyes, which are returning 10 years later and remarking at all the changes. “Nothing was here! The last hotel I stayed at was crawling with rats…” We really got to see the tangible effect that a Siddha like Swamiji can have on the world in just a few decades. Hotels, businesses, schools, kids who went to them to learn English and get jobs, bringing possibility where once there was nothing.

Indeed, one of the most touching moments of the whole trip for me was a eulogy delivered by a local girl, one of Swamiji’s cherished Kanyas, when she described, in perfect English, the ways in which her life – and the whole town’s prosperity – had been changed for the better by Swamiji’s charity and love. It struck me that in America, we have false myths of Santa Claus, while in India, the jolly old round man is real. And in America, would the most powerful being choose to live out the end his life simply and humbly amongst the poorest and weakest?

And choose to end his life, he did. Swamiji left his body sitting up, shortly after he called his two closest disciples – Swami Niranjanananda and Swami Satsangi – and told them that he had a choice to “live another 20 years and continue or leave his body and pursue his spiritual life in higher dimensions”. This, detailed in Satsangi’s deeply moving and inspiring speech, in which she eloquently stated, “The question that we all have to think about right now is ‘can death be great happiness? Can death bring you happiness?”

Swamiji taught us how to die, she said, as “he told me that everything I did in my life had a purpose and so too, my death shall have a purpose… There are moments of time when the universe opens up and there is a fast way, and he chose such a moment and entered the universe. And the universe received him with open arms.” Whoa.

“The response confirms it,” she said. “From everywhere we are getting letters that Swamiji has entered our hearts.” And being there, I agree there was a palpable feeling of virtuous essential joy, Swamiji’s omnipresence pervaded and is with me still. His blessing power truly feels expansive and undiminished.

“This is what you read in the books and you say ‘Hoah! How nice this is! I wish this would happen to me.’ But it did happen to your Guru, and his success is your success,” Satsangi reminded us of the true non-duality of Guruyoga. “In the last 16 days, he has lifted us (from ordinary waking) Jagrat to the (subtle) realms of Svapna (dream) and Susupta (sleep). If I was in Jagrat, then like you, I would be crying. From the Svapna state, all this looks like a dream. From the Susupti state, this is a joke!”

“Life is much more than just living… That is what Swamiji has taught us… Disciples and seekers can be uplifted by connecting to the Guru.”

And I’ve barely mentioned Swami Niranjan. What a presence! It’s almost as if Swamiji is actually still here, so much is Niranjan an extension of his energy. (There are jyotisical congruences that are too perfect to be mere coincidence…) The first moments I saw him, I felt like a kid looking at Superman! What appreciation and gratitude I have that he gave Guruji the sacred Tantra and sent him to us, to me. To say nothing of the moment of Darsan, Swami Niranjan sitting in Swamiji’s body’s Kutir aglow with flowers, relics and tiger skin, his eyes looking straight through limited me, right before I prostrate… a memory I will take to my grave and probably beyond…

All of this walking by the site of Swamiji’s Pancagni Sadhana, his beloved Tulsi tree… the Space shaped and decorated by the chanting of the Sri Vidya Pujaris that performed Guruji’s MahaPurna Abhiseka… great Yogis lining up to pay their respects… the most powerful and beautiful Sama Veda chanting I’ve ever heard… next to my Guru… hawks circling overhead… So fortunate was I to be there, delighting in the cascading waterfall of grace of the Parampara.

And yet there was one occurrence for me that encapsulated my whole pilgrimage experience. During a break in the program, Guruji took us on a little walk to one of his favorite places during his days at Swamiji’s Rikhia Peeth, a little lotus pond, surrounded by palm trees, water buffaloes cooling down, local tribal girls bathing and washing… except when we got there, the palm trees had been felled, the lotus’ uprooted and the tribal girls, still strikingly beautiful and wild, seemed a little bit more modern…

This furthered my relationship with the passing of time. I gained a new relationship with the maxim, “You can never go home again.” The home one remembers is never there in the present. And I saw a time and place that was such wellspring of inspiration and energy for our Guru and lineage, I saw it all elapsed into the present. I imagined myself as seeker, showing up today to the place where my Guru learned such beautiful Sadhanas and gifted secrets of the tradition, and I saw that it has all closed up. There was nothing there for me; it was all in my Guru.

And it saddened me to see people in the Ashram system thirsting for God and drying up in the transcendental Tapasya, to feel the bristling dissatisfaction and repression of many who walked about the grounds. Many kind hearts, but the deeper teachings and practices, ones appropriate for this day and age, remain elusive for most.

And my appreciation for my Guru deepened. We must realize that it is very, very hard to find such depth of view, such breadth of method and such ripe and nourishing fruit – especially in our native tongue. And here we have it, in the grace of our Guru’s teachings. Indeed, here I am in India right now, awestruck by the tangible nourishment in the atmosphere of the motherland, and it is only due to the teachings and trainings I have received in the past five years that I can make use of it. I look around, and see that what I have been graced with is truly hard to find, even here. It’s only been a month and, boy do I have some stories of the beauty and insanity that are embraced by mother India. And each experience seems like the teaching of my Guru come to life. Unbelievable. We are so lucky. We don’t even know.

Another moment of this Yatra sticks out in my mind. As I narrowly escaped the snares of the Ashram Gestapo so that I could be standing in line with my Guru as we received darshan of Swami Niranjan in Swamiji’s Mahasamadhi shrine, Mahatma heard one of those sexually-frustrated, desiccating-before-your-eyes women lean to the other and say, “I don’t think Ashram life is for him.”

To which I now respond. “Jaya Gurudev! Thank God! To Kailash Akhara I go!”

Hari Om. Namo Narayan. Bolo Sat Gurudev Maharaj Ki Jai.

Note: some noteworthy events – such as parakeet street oracles, Avatar in 3D, meat-filled room service banquets, horrible digestion and illness, old Jyotisis, rickshaw rides and retarded cabbies, Twilight: New Moon, musical instrument shopping sprees, horse races, gentrified Anglo-Indian hoteliers, cheesy nightclubs named Tantra, beautiful breakfast buffets, mosquito wars, even more train chaos, Kali-devotee street-walkers, fish fingers and cucumbers stuffed in Rohan’s cheeks, melting in the crucible of the Guru’s presence, and general good ol’ times  – have been edited from this article for brevity and integrity of purpose.

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“Faith is not just religious belief, it is an inner conviction which comes after the total surrender of ego. When you surrender your ego in totality then faith unfolds by itself.” The Guru-Disciple Relationship

While other members of the kula prepared to receive Dharminidhi’s arrival in the United States this past March, I wandered through many disorganized and surprising emotions. Surprising, because I had actually believed I was beyond them.

There was excitement, a pulsating joy that energized me throughout the day. There was the hunger to learn more, wonder and awe at the grace of the teachings. There was this immense gratitude that, finally after ten years, I had finally found what I had been looking for. There was also fear. What had I gotten myself into? I was leaving a secure, well-paying job to be in Thailand in the summer and to follow my heart. There would be no job or place to live when I returned. How did I know this would not be the same as my other failed ventures? I was too old to be taking such a risk, too new to understand all the implications, blah, blah, blah. Then there was the doubt. Why had I asked this man to be my teacher after all the false ones I had followed in my life? The tendrils of thoughts and waves of emotion and confusion passed through me, and then came the usual wave of disappointment in myself. Where did the clarity of my initiation go? Or even of a month ago?

I threw myself in the car to go to a welcoming party for Guruji, shaking in my trepidation and reluctant to acknowledge the depth of my confusion and fear. When I came home that night I was tired of being battered by my thoughts. I sat down to practice. My thoughts kept battering me so I decided to clean my room. As I poked at my bookcase an old journal came loose. I grumbled and groaned and sat down to take a break by leafing through its pages. Here was the response to all my grumbling; a record of my internal journey for the past 20 years. Below are some of the entries.

At age 35

“I examine myself and realize how much I hold in. How I don’t acknowledge the pain I feel; whatever its source or nature, how I manage to march forward risking everything, leaving myself open to a high degree of suffering.”

“I can feel I am aware and awake and so it is important for me to have something which intimidates me and challenges me.”

“Too many wars. Too much biting your teeth for too long, teeth, lips, tongue. It’s almost as though I thrived on it. As though I were addicted to the adrenaline.”

“Within me, I still feel the rage hard and intense.”

“I’m barely beginning to understand what the role of a family is and how children need to feel connected and backed up. What a numbnut.”

“I’ve functioned by drinking a lot, lying in bed, playing video games, reading detective stories and generally refusing to be with anyone. I have lost my mind.”

At age 45

“I have lived life so hard, and only because I took the time to record it do I know just how hard it was.”

“Today I was filled with fears about the future, about the lack of a personal life, security, money, loneliness. I felt the panic rising and actually pulled out the tranquilizer they prescribed for me. I didn’t take it. Somehow I managed to muddle through.”

At age 48

“My body is changing and with it my spirit.”

“It worries me that my enthusiasm and my emotions cloud my judgment sometimes and I make decisions which are impulsive and wild.”

“I think a lot about menopause, about the end of my life. I never took care of myself, never thought about it much.”

“In the midst of my sobbing was the question ‘What is this for, what is it all for?’ There was only deep, black pain and the trees standing silent witness.”

At age 53

“I am surrounded by a pile of clothes and when I work to organize it, it only becomes a smaller pile and it stays until it grows again. It is as though that little pile holds the space for my chaos. That which I choose.”

“I can’t believe I did all that I did and internally I was such an enormous mess. Someday my children will read this and see all my vulnerability and the way I struggled with my life – doubting, judging, hating, isolating, primping myself. AAAAAGH!! Such a royal waste of time.”

At age 56

“This morning I asked Dharminidhi if he would be my teacher. I told him I wanted to have a good death and be a good Grandma. He said yes. I smiled a big old smile and he smiled back.

It was a decision that came from my dreams, my gut, my experience. I have told no one yet but I am very excited. Now there will be one old person mixed in with all those twenty-thirty something people in the kula.”

When I finallly put the journal down, I was stunned and humbled. In another wave of emotion, I finished cleaning up and went to bed. As the teachings with Guruji progressed I grew calmer. I don’t remember when I actually decided I wanted to take Visesasamaya Diksha, but once I came to that decision, the waves of fear began to flow again. The further I went, the more I would have to reveal, the more I would reveal, the more vulnerable I would be. And who would I be then?

The night before my initiation I prepared my clothing with my heart pounding in my chest. Now instead of thoughts swarming like bees, there was a heaviness, a burning sensation, like thick tar clogging every part of my body. My head ached, my limbs were shaking. At times I would cry, at others pace. There were no thoughts this time, just dark, overwhelming shame and fear. I got into bed and began to toss and turn. At 3:30 a.m. I had had enough. I got up and began to do prostrations in the dark, praying feverishly that the sensations would stop. When I was finished with the last one, I sat on the floor for awhile, looking at my hands and my legs. I got up, dressed, and left the house. The darkness of the night seemed like a distant memory now.

The most difficult parts of my life were already over. I would not go back. Whatever it was that I would see in the mirror of my Guru, would probably never be as bad as what I chose to see in myself. All I had to do was love and respect and trust myself. And I had to let go.

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It’s March, 2010, as I write this – the middle of the sixth year of our official “seven year program” with Dharmanidhi Sarasvati (Guruji). By the end of 2010, the group that has come to be known as TYSG – Tantric Yoga Study Group – will disband in its current loose form, and what will replace it, if anything, remains to be seen. These six years have been life-changing in ways that I can barely know, let alone describe. I remember Guruji saying on more than one occasion during that first year that, after a while, there’s no turning back. We either go forward, or we go crazy. And we started a little bit crazy, didn’t we all? Now here we are. Some still in the program; some long gone; some newcomers filling in the empty seats. Some of us more crazy now than before.

If the Kashmir Shaivite path is in its simplest form about building basic sanity, then some of Guruji’s legacies can be found in the lives of a whole lot of slightly less-than-the-average people. In its richest form (which I cannot profess to know), Guruji’s legacy will be an integration of the knowledge, energy and sweetness of the path into the lives of hopefully more than a few.

Save for a miracle that I can’t picture and rarely even pray for, I won’t be one of those who “light body” out of this lifetime. I feel interested, however, in continuing to expand the boundaries of my openness. I don’t yearn to leave my crazy life entirely behind, but I do regularly yearn to slow way down. Sitting in front of my altar, improperly placed at the foot of my bedroom for lack of space, brings me deep peace. Integrating that peace into my daily interactions with others deepens my gratitude for Guruji, for Siva and for everything in between.

My astrology Bette Timm once looked out the window of her Sonoma home at my car in her driveway after a Jyotish (Indian Astrology) reading she did for me, and smiled as she said, “Huh, a Saturn, of course!” Saturn is Siva’s planet. I rebutted, “well…I didn’t buy that, my mom gave it to me before she died.” To which Bette coyly replied, “he’ll find his way to you however he needs to!”  It was a cool thought, something I haven’t forgotten. I drive a Saturn. Is this integration? Does it drive me? Probably.

Bridging the worlds of Tantra and modern living is, practically speaking, both improbable and deeply important. My practice has morphed and changed over these years, circling back upon itself. Sometimes, my diligence surprises even me. Other times, lethargy and resistance render me barely connected to the daily practice, though never fully removed from the teachings. The most satisfying experiences connect to remembering, which feels synonymous with integrating. The cultivation of the “head-heart-highway” (a Kriya meditation practice) has been Tantra’s greatest challenge and gift to me. Devotion, so long elusive to me, seeps slowly into my experience. Gratitude has been a building block out of which I am forging a new home. I have loosened my grip on needing the pieces to fit neatly together. I continue to practice being with the unknown – needing less to ask the questions that once burned my lips and fried my brain. My excess of fiery energy and lifestyle of thirty plus years has softened (along with my body), and my heart is growing bigger.

I feel as though I’ll be at a some kind of crossroads with the Kula, and with Guruji when November comes and goes (Becoming The Mind of Siva Retreat). I find myself excited for the opening that the completion of the seven-year-program may offer. Will I go deeper when unbound to a commitment? Will I go away? (Will I go crazy?) Will things remain remarkably the same? These questions stoke my excitement, curiosity and diligence, as the year and the program come towards its close. I am grateful to each and every teacher and practitioner on this windy path to freedom.

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On March 21, 2010, Yoga Mandala collaborated with Siddhartha V. Shah, Sacred Art & Sacred Space, to present a fine art auction benefitting Trika Institute. The event featured over 50 works of contemporary art from India and Nepal and took place in Charlie Hallowell’s popular Oakland restaurant, Pizzaiolo. For months I had worked closely with Guruprem Ko Hobi in envisioning the ideal evening and I believe that we were able to execute it exactly as we had hoped.

This event marked the introduction of modern Indian art into the larger body of work represented by Sacred Art & Sacred Space. Among the Indian artists in the auction are contemporary masters, Thota Vaikuntam, K. Laxma Goud and “India’s Picasso”, M.F. Husain, whose signed lithograph of Draupadi from the famed Mahabharata Series (1983) sold to a bidder. The auction presented, alongside these established painters, the new vanguard of modern Indian art featuring several emerging artists of Baroda, India. Anand Gadapa, Nirmala Biluka, Kishan Duriseti, and Suneel Menon all sold work at the event and this will certainly encourage the artists to continue developing and sharing their works with us in the United States.

A Little History

For the past five years, my emphasis has been on contemporary Hindu and Buddhist art of the Newars and this event allowed me to present what is perhaps the finest collection of paintings I have been able to procure in my career. In January, I visited Nepal with the intention of finding work specifically for this fundraiser. While it made sense to look for lesser quality, less expensive work featuring popular deities, what I found instead were sumptuous masterpieces that showed lesser-known gods and goddesses in their most glorious splendor: The Goddess Ganga floating in her river kingdom rendered in fine lines and muted colors that evoke the feeling of being underwater. Kamakhya, the goddess who embodies the power of the Sakti Peeth where Goddess Sati’s yoni fell to the earth as Siva carried her corpse across the earth, depicted with perfect iconography seated on a lotus emerging out of Siva’s navel. I found a most interesting painting of Vana Kali, Kali of the Forest, that depicts the deity found within a small ancient shrine tucked away in a forest behind Pasupati Temple in Kathmandu. These works were amazing to behold, and they needed to be brought back to the US.

The Celebration

The paintings looked amazing in the space and filled Pizzaiolo with a kind of electricity that seemed to light up everyone there! I remember seeing so clearly how beautiful each and every person there looked. There was a tangible energy of excitement and celebration in the air. As guests enjoyed the food and wine served up by Charlie Hallowell and the staff at Pizzaiolo, they also prepared themselves for the bidding process. The silent auction featured over 30 items ranging from a one week stay in Mexico to fine jewelry and wellness services donated by friends and members of this community. 100% of the funds raised in the silent auction will be donated to Trika Institute. The opening piece in the live auction, a remarkable Classical style painting of Ganesha, started the first bidding war of the evening, where the estimate for the work was $800-$1000 and it sold for $1300. About half of the works of art brought up to the auction block sold which certainly makes it a successful art auction during a time when most art market analysts have little hope for anything.

The Art

What distinguishes this body of work from what appears in other auctions, though, is that this work is acquired with the understanding that a transformative relationship is possible. I believe that even when a negative outlook prevails as it does now around the economy, That which is Sacred will continue to flourish and shine. Those who acquired work that night were able to bring beauty that is profound and true into their lives while also benefitting the work of Trika Institute. I know that this art–the Newar paintings AND the modern art–will continue to work on those who live with it, and this relationship that is possible with art is something essential for many…and even addictive as it is with me. As one client who attended the auction wrote me later, “I stretched myself beyond my limits once again but what I have is beauty in my life, and for this I am forever grateful”. With that said, I know that I am enthusiastic about another collaborative event with Yoga Mandala and Trika Institute, and I hope we can make our next effort even more successful and magical that this first one!

I offer my sincere thanks to all of the volunteers who helped put this event together. May we all continue to bring Beauty into the lives of everyone around us.

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What is the role of exercise from an Ayurvedic perspective?

In the classic texts of Ayurveda, many benefits are attributed to exercise. Some of these benefits are lightness of the body, increased capacity to work, reduction of body fat and firming of the body parts. However, the most important benefit is probably the stimulation of the digestive fire. When the digestive fire is healthy, our mind is clearer and we are better able to digest our emotional experiences. In this way, proper amounts of exercise supports the health of all aspects of our life.

How much exercise is enough? How much is too much?

Ayurveda divides the year into two parts: cold seasons and warm or hot seasons. During the coldest months it is suggested that strong people who are accustomed to eating heavy foods should exercise to half of their capacity. This is determined by the appearance of sweat on the forehead, upper lip, armpits, inner elbows and backs of the knees and dryness of the mouth. For those who are not strong or accustomed to eating heavy foods, the amount of exercise should be less than this even during the coldest months. During the warm months exercise should be less than this for everyone. In the Northern Hemisphere, the cold part of the year is approximately from mid-November through April. In the Southern Hemisphere, the cold part of the year is approximately from mid-June through October.

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