“The Inner Yogas”

Contributed by Omkarnath

Lord Krsna in the Bhagavad Gita:

“When the Dharma is threatened, the Dharma destroys.
When the Dharma is preserved, the Dharma flourishes.”

Abhinavagupta:

“Our normal condition is a fake heart filled with wonder.
We live in a mental stupor.”

Guruji:

“My Karma is limitless, so I devote myself
to a life of limitless Sadhana.”

This is my attempt to share with you a bit of the process of three months in retreat in Thailand with my Guru Dharmanidhi Sarasvati, learning and practicing the cherished Inner Sadhanas of our grand lineage. The experience, like any other in the relative world, was punctuated with high/low ebb and flow, excitements and boredoms, sorrowful failings and inconceivable successes. For me, it was a rich tapestry woven from tangled karmic threads and the elegant strands of nature, waving and shining in the wind.

We ate a lot. Some of us (NOT ME!) tried to memorize the breakfast sequence. I gave many Jyotish (Indian Astrololgy) readings, telling myself that it was a Sadhana and not a distraction. (I was half-right.) I became entranced by the Moon’s dance through the Naksatras, or lunar mansions (I MEMORIZED THEM!) and delightedly watched Jupiter creep out of Capricorn. I fell in love with prostrations all over again, not just for the abs. I wondered how my baseball team was doing in the playoffs more often than I care to admit. We learned about permaculture and got intimate with our waste. We were instructed to take naps! (I suck at that.) People got sick with staph infections, a few left retreat early. There were periods dense with teachings and group activity and times of less structured, solo endeavors. People were less solitary than some expected and others hoped. We banded together into one Kula energy body and realized unprecedented confidence in ourselves and our path. Well, I did, and I didn’t feel alone in it. We learned a hell of a lot about ourselves and our hallowed tradition. I feel unspeakably grateful to have been given practices and insights I have been waiting years – perhaps even lifetimes – to receive.

The following is a chronological account of direct quotes of Guruji’s teachings from my notes (left margin, bold), direct quotes from my journal of my experience (right margin, unbold), and a Rudi quote from Spiritual Cannibalism that was a pole star for me in retreat. My hope is that you get some small sense of the twists and turns, ups and downs, that I went through, and that you learn something new from the wise words of our teacher, or perhaps you are reminded of something old that burns deep inside your being, close to your essence.

September 29

“There are greater things in the world
than your own personal story.”

“Doing the practice IS enlightenment.”

“Don’t go forcefully into the tension; let the
openness spread, millimeter by millimeter…”

“Accidents are caused by resisting resistance.
Relax!”

October 5–8

“It’s hard. That’s why it’s called yoga and
it takes years to master and you live forever.”

“Your life is a cherished vessel that should be
shared with people who can appreciate and savor
the precious dharma of this vessel.”

“I have no eyebrows and I’m a bit freaked out about it.”

“Don’t worry (about that). Do the exercises.
Get enlightened. It will all make sense.”

“Open my heart to the heart pulse of the Kula.
We are all doing our best…”

October 9–10

“Find vigor! The head is a very, very,
very limited part of the body.”

“The desire to be properly understood runs deep in this one.”

“If you doubt, you remove yourself
from the flow of grace.”

“So here I am, contemplating my navel…
making the container strong.”

“No matter how small the energy is,
you can make more from it.
You CAN make more from less.”

October 11-13

“Smile! You can’t feel blissful energies when you frown.”

“Why would anyone want to do this? Because it can feel
so awesome in ways that people have no concept of.”

“Still throwing daggers; I need to stop but
I don’t know how… perhaps cut out
the idea of ‘mine’ at any time,
even in regard to friends…”

“When you are not afraid to get lost, getting lost is
a great adventure. Reality is (actually) short
chains of cause-effect and open space of chaos.”

“It’s nice to get outside confirmation that I’m not as
lost and trapped as I feel sometimes.”

“Starting to hit so much energy that
I just want to blow it!”

“Power gives you the ability to love.”

“Not sure what to do about it but continue
dropping it from my mind…”

“Do the work, stay humble,
no strenuous effort and it will come.”

October 14

“Fickle doesn’t work for alchemy.
Pendulum swings piss away energy.”

“It’s not super easy to be here.
Although it is. Although it isn’t.”

“Pray for the fortitude to navigate the uncharted
waters of my whirling subconscious mind.”

Me:

“Ask the guru. With every cell in my body.
Ask for help from his three bodies to experience
something richer than this dense reality.
The pure light of consciousness. But ask not with worry;
rather plead with a desperate joy permeating
every exhale and inhale into this body a world that
lives to share his light. Do not take it for granted
for even a moment.”

October 15

“Wonder is a virtue and confusion is the perversion of it.”

“People are chatting up a storm. I am not
sinking in deeper and we are not as a group.”

“If you don’t love the guru, you don’t love your kula.
If you don’t love your kula, you don’t love your guru.
The daytime stars are equal as one.”

October 17

“Look at the (jyotish) chart as a Yantra and then
allow the images to come to you. Don’t just analyze.”

“The intimacy I am privy to when looking at charts
is awe inspiring. I am humbled by the trust.”

“It is only when a yogin becomes indifferent of
power over others (that he) becomes liberated
and then can liberate others.”

Abhinavagupta:

“Guru: Wisdom that is expertly put into practice.”

October 20

“Both the mystical and the logical have to be present
in every aspect or else it is not a complete practice.”

“Haven’t been sick like this in years.
102 degrees. I hope it’s not dengue fever.”

“Pride: Stealing Your Soul From God.” – Veda

“Vajra Pride: Realizing Your Soul Is God’s.”

October 22-23

“The food was amazing today. Hearing Guruji talk about
Mahasiddhas is amazing! Amazing is not the word.
Magical is. The feeling in the air changes.”

“Everything is process; process
of revealing Essence Nature.”

“Just gotta do my thing and little by little
deal with the resulting pain and pleasure.”

“Is feeling great that realization
that I’m looking for? It’s a start…”

“I caught myself thinking of myself as serious today.
Why think of myself as anything? Why not just be
whatever I am and do whatever I think is important
for my dharma. Why even think of myself at all…”

October 25

“Hospital today. Infections Kapha systemic pustules
Narasimha Puja group dejected karmas going wild!”

“Stop telling myself that I can’t do it! That I’m not good
at something… Stop saying it! Can I be the essence
heart virtue of all sentient beings at all times?
Of course I can! That’s what I am!”

Guruji:

“Without a basis of self-cherishing,
no actual spiritual development is possible.”

October 26-27

“You can not separate yourself from other beings!
Nothing you ever do is just for you!”

“Dharma seeks permanence; Adharma seeks impermanence.
Pursue the permanent! Drop the impermanent!”

“Every karma you produce is unending! Cut off the
negative ones and stop a chain of suffering for eternity.”

“There is no growth without the suffering
of ego death. The only growth comes from
the old you dying and transforming.”

“I harbor this call for vengeance, this limited pattern
of justice in my heart. Why do I care? What does it matter
to me if or when anything does or does not happen?”

“I think my internal self-doubt/critic/judge is
the most bearable misery in the world.
How long do I want to be in this crucible?
How long do I want to delay the inevitable?
What do you have planned for me, Lord Sani?”

“Realize that this is all God and thirst for it to be
revealed
divine like a man drowning in molten hot sand…”

October 30

“Guruji came back today and beamed essence
light into our developing kula energy body.
He also brought doughnuts! And called me egocentric.
Maybe I shouldn’t try so hard to get rid of
the pain and just do what I’m told.”

Swami Rudrananda:

“Conditions for inner work differ throughout the world.
There are countless ways for man to pursue
the unknown. But they all achieve the same result,
which is nothing or close to nothing. Only
the exceptional man who is born gifted within grows.
He grows in spite of everything he does wrong.
He grows solely because his seed is strong enough to
withstand the psychic battle.”

October 31

“Psychic battle indeed!”

“I want to know the interface between fixed karma
and Anugraha (grace); between karma-burning
sadhana and one’s chart… help me, Ma Durga!
Help me, Jyotir Vidya!”

November 1

“The first thing you should expect,
when you open something real, is a test.”

“I’d rather be anonymous,
with no power at all
and love everything!”

“The whole world is in me;
I am in everyone.”

“All I need not to be such a miserable shit
all the time is the space to feel good!”

“Four Yoga Nidras a day may do the trick…”

“Starting to miss the outside world and peoples a bit.”

Guruji:

“On one hand, the spiritual path is the easiest,
most self-fulfilling thing possible; on the other hand,
you gotta bust your ass.”

November 4-7

“Ambivalent, conflicted about the next course of action.
Don’t have to know; just get up tomorrow and
do it again. Rahu transit impending…”

“Still chugging along, letting my cares and
worries transform in the Wisdom Fire…”

“…Refractions of judgments and pettiness and separating
thoughts. Desires to make people feel bad, usually when
they give me as hard a time as they give themselves.
Just watch and cut off with my tool bag…”

November 12–13

“So much of Tantra is being in the field of
someone who is whole when we are not yet whole.”

“You need both devotion and transmission of essence
but you work devotion because that’s
the only thing you have control of…”

“My observations are inconsequential to what is.”

“It’s funny to see the karma that you want
to be blind to on a sheet of paper.”

“Let go of repression for survival!”

“To become whole, you can not fight; you must
accept what happened and you must surrender!”

“Tremendous pain and elation simultaneously!
A joy to live whether it’s fucked or fantastic.”

“I don’t know why I use ideas to protect me
from the overwhelm that can come with reality
but I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“I worry about losing control but to quote Guruji:
“you’re not going to go postal, you’re just a big teddy
bear.”

November 16

“Breathe in the blessing power of the fire.
Breathe out obscurations into the fire.”

“Wonderful Yajna tonight. I want to sit in that space all
night
and break down borders but this is not the context.
Oh well, better luck last life!”

November 17

“Vidya sakti! Wisdom is there; relax and learn to see it.”

“Focus on the expansion, not the limitation.
Pat yourself on the back for a good effort
and move on, says the Guru…”

“Am I really changing anything?
Can I escape from anything?
Why would I want to!”

Guruji:

“You must have Belief in Self for Siddhi of Sadhana.
Tantriks always believe in themselves and their capacities.
For Tantriks, there is no 1st, 2nd or last place; there is
only
the clear fulfilling of your destiny. Don’t be afraid to
step up and take responsibility for the innate
greatness you are meant to be.”

November 18–19

“Effort is always there! Practice with the intent
that you must know your Self or you will die.”

“Our personalities are a teeter-totter between
endearing and embarrassing, the fulcrum being
the absence/presence of judgment in the observer…”

“I am a think-too-much person; so hard for me
to not get lost in the misty film of ideas…”

“Getting realized is a fantasy we push away with our plans.
This is a mad world. I am a crackpot coconut
waiting for the priest’s hammer…”

November 21

“It struck me today that I’m not actually ready to make
the giant leap into letting go of my agenda – or so I think…
I still have ideas/illusions of what is meant to happen
in my life and I’m not quite sure which ones are
my true Dharma and which ones are ideological
safety-nets/self-preservation strategies.
Some of them involve women…”

“I can feel the pattern follow me… my karma follows me.
Or is it the other way around… or is it both…”

“The Sadhana is very effective. When I fall out of rhythm
with it,
I forget how it solves the obscurations of little mind.”

“Oh great masters! Take me from this carousel of
hazy dreams of loss and longing and into the ever-fresh
ascending course of my dharma. Show me the clear path
out of my crushed skull and into the unending
pulsation of my essence truth. Share this with me!”

Tashi Shardza Gyaltsen’s Final Teaching:

“The base of all knowledge is faith, devotion and vow.”

“Really realize the value of the teachings.
Think of what your life might be like without them.
Remember how lost you were.
The ego denies reality as it is
until it is no longer able to do so.”

November 26–29

“Paradox IS Reality.
The more you embrace the paradox, the healthier you are.
Paradox mind allows for transformation to succeed.”

“India will sort you out faster than any place
on the planet; it is the ultimate karmic cleanser.
Love the paradox of India and you will go to heaven.”

“Retreat is essential.
Nothing feeds a human like nothing else. ”

“To be alone – To be really alone –
is untoward and off putting in my mind
to the point of me thinking that perhaps it is wrong.”

“Act from your dharma and nature is in line with you.”

December 4–6

“I’ve never heard of one good reason
why you shouldn’t resolve a karma. Still looking…”

“I feel, for the first time, the possibility of accessing
this deep primal and powerful energy
and re-channeling and redistributing it.”

“Don’t worry about being scared and panicky.
Work harder/softer! Get back on it.”

“I have prejudices. Listen and work with them.
Open them up…”

“Guruji is back. Swamiji has left.
The world is coming crashing in…”

Guruji:

“Don’t doubt that you are enlightened and don’t be
arrogant that you are enlightened; it’s a very ordinary
thing.”

_____________________

My journaling practice fell by the wayside as Swami Satyananda Sarasvati’s Mahasamadhi had me frantically preparing at the end of retreat to wisk away for my first trip to India, where these words find me. I was fortunate enough to travel with Dharmanidhi and witness the final three days of the rituals for my Param Guru as my introduction to the Motherland. You are welcome to please read my reflections on this auspicious occurrence in the next Vac.

In Loving Service,
Omkarnath

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